Jordan

Thu, 07 May 2009 10:35:49 GMT

livejournal, you're boring me! i wish you would re-do your layout and make yourself classy. i will still use you though, you allow me some privacy if i'd like, shankyou for not causing anything for me in years! i want to post pretty pictures on you.

Sun, 03 May 2009 13:04:39 GMT

this world is spinning alright. 1000 mph. i need some structure, i'm going insane. i remember when i dreamt of having carefree days,no responsibilities. well, here i am. no school, no job, no structure. i feel like i'm floating through empty space. i just wanna smoke. my life is so messed up, but for some reason i'm okay with it. for the time being at least.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:02:52 GMT

sometimes things aren't what they seem.

really 95% of the time I should say. good luck trying to find someone who is themselves when you meet them, no secrets, no other side that they don't show until your sucked in. good, hearts of gold are rare as hell these days and all I have to say is thank god I have found a couple. I need a vacation a.s.a.p.

and as for that adderall yesterday- thanks for making my stomach hurt so much I had to make myself throw up. just what I wanted after hours of crying and no one to hold me and tell me its okay we can run away.

Mom, I thought you were different. I'm pissed at you for proving me wrong. I liked my old Mom better. Fuck school, I already dropped out. Fuck school if it comes over my happiness. I just don't understand how you could put fucking society and what the fuck they want me to be like over my suicidal tendencies or my fucking depression and anxiety that eats me alive. if this is how its going to be, I'm going to be gone.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 04:30:10 GMT

off the cliff, in the ditch, done.

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 03:36:52 GMT

i'm a fucking tool. i can't comprehend how much we can fuck ourselves over just by thinking. i need to throw up.

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:56:01 GMT

my eyes are always so closed and nothings clear.. i let myself go. i need to get back on the right path. i need to get my mind where my mind should be and let the negative walk by.

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:25:40 GMT

drove to school with kevin and kelly. first period i left and had my mom get me. came home, cleaned my room, washed the floors, vaccumed, did some laundry, crawled in bed and slept until one. having some people over after school will be so nice. i'm excited to hang out with kevin on his birthday! i hope everyones having a nice day. this weather is nice because:
theres no blinding sun
its chilly not cold
comfortable in a tshirt jeans an a scarf
even more if i add a little cardigan
i love the wet roads and driving on them and the lights reflecting off them,

i wish i could still paint/draw/write... have any artistic talent besides being able to write stories inside my head.

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 12:48:02 GMT

i'm going back into my hating everything and everyone mode. shit.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 13:30:54 GMT

i love my new friends, and my old friends, and my friends that are just friends. i can't wait until every day is a new adventure and nights turn into mornings like no ones business.

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 00:37:44 GMT

i want to go watch the sunset next to the providence river then stay out all night/ spend all our money, run out of gas, never go home, fall in love with the earth and everything it does for me and my body. i cut my fringe today, i just woke up and it looks terrible. but it's okay once i shower and stuff. cya!

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 05:27:21 GMT

happy happy birthday marykate! i'm staying up later and later even though my eyes are swolen and just want to shut. i push myself until i can't anymore and then get tired and need to sleep the next day, but can't just go sleep for hours whenever anymore. it's biting me in the butt, the structure and way it was there. i went to boston tonight for marys birthday. we went to the rainforest cafe and then drove around forever and finally got home. the food took longer than we thought. i wish i could have gone to newbury st. for a few minutes at least, looked at the lights. i'm seeing my first episode of fantasy factory and i can't stop laughing. theres ghosts all around me.

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 01:05:38 GMT

just sitting around tonight isn't as bad as it sounded. only until emily is out of work though. i might still be going to the beach, but it seems a little cold. whatever, well find something to do. i had such a messed up afternoon. i've had to pee for the last hour. i'm listening to really old from first to last. what! no i love it.

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 11:02:38 GMT

i had a nice night with chris and kelly last night. we stopped by borders and grabbed some drinks, chris a coffee full of milk or cream and sugar, i got my favorite tea that i only find in borders. then we drove to taco bell to get kelly some food. we just talked and laughed about a lot of different things. i can see a nice friendship with him.

on another note, tomorrow is marykates sixteenth birthday. oh gosh. shes growing so damn fast! i know what were doing and i'm very excited. i hope it's nice out tomorrow!

my birthday along with kelly and kevin's are also on their way. i am either getting signed out of school by my mom when i turn sixteen, or, if it seems to be better now that mentally i am.. then maybe i'll stay. but if i fail/stay back then i'm out and getting my ged. i know what i want and where i'm going to apply for college. north carolina here i come. i'll miss rhode island though, i can't lie. i'll try to get into some more around here as well.

back to school for me. emily's almost here, i hope it's not to tiring. then after school starts the beginning of a great weekend! naragansett tonight. i'm considering sticking my toes in that water...

well see.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:21:12 GMT

oh, oooh, oh oh

i'm out! i just got home around 10. to be honestly, butler really helped me. i'm no longer feeling weighed down by my depression and the suicidal thoughts are gone. i'm feeling faithful and ready to keep going! its my young years. i'm so excited to celebrate this weekend. marykate is turning sixteen! i had a nice coffee waiting for me in the car when i got there. i've caught up on blogs and youtube along with myspace, tumblr ext. it was nice to come home and see what everyones been up to! i just need to shower, shave my legs, blow dry my hair (thank god! i haven't in days+ some hairspray), see how my flowers are coming along, and watch the episodes i've missed of my favorite shows! i'm seeing friends today! i should walk to the store and get myself some stuff.

keep your chins up!

oh, and spring is in eight days.

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:01:37 GMT

i'm becoming so impatient with life. i am ready to be done. i'm only fifteen.. it shouldn't be this way at all. i wonder what will be on the other side.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 21:36:51 GMT

we have no school today, thanks snow! its been okay. i really doubt well have school tomorrow either if all goes by the weather radar. i want to go away for a while and be alone. i'm starting to become bitter. i really need to pick up these two apples from earlier.. their brown now. i want to just sit in silence with you and fill our lungs. i want to get the hell out of this town. i need 10$ and i'll be good for today.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 02:17:27 GMT

insanity is coming back and biting me in the ass. i need to just run until my lungs give out and then i can get some real sleep. i want to just jump in a car, any car, and drive myself to the end of cape cod where the beach has water on both sides. turn off all the lights and stare at the universe. then let the snow fall and land on my eyelashes.

"you're just jealous 'cause were young and in love."

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 00:09:40 GMT

i just want to go out and laugh until my cheeks are hurting and i need to go to the bathroom.

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 01:26:32 GMT

my weeks always seem to either start or end with shit. i just want to light up and drive for miles and clean my mind out a little. i want to meet someone new and sweet and fun. i wish my cat liked me and would lay on my chest like she does my mom. she hates me. i have a extremely fun health essay to write. i finally got a math tutor and english tutor, plus tomorrow i'm setting up my IEP with cumberland high. my schedule sucks now...
mondays- free
tuesday- math
wednesday- therapy
thursday- english
friday/saturday/sundays- freeee.

whatever. i just want to pass. please!

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 07:28:34 GMT

its 2:27. kevin nicole ash and emily are sleeping over. I'm in bed writing this pointless entry. i just want to remember the night.
-change medication
-buy a shark and two betta fish
-get my eyebrows done
-dont fall in love

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 13:51:12 GMT

i just woke up, i need somewhere to go today. my mom is having friends over! which is a big deal because she hasn't had anyone besides family over since long before my parents divource [five years ago]. she is kind of shy and fragile and has been walked over by these people before, which i don't like, but shes still going and that makes me proud. that woman is so strong i can't even believe it. anyways,

thursday- went to boston with kev kelly and vinny. it was in the middle of a snowstorm, we didn't care though. the city was beautiful that night. we stopped for pizza on newbury.. someplace kevin knew. it was okay. then again anything would be okay at that point! i had fun

friday- drove to newport with kevin vinny kelly and brendan. go lost in providence for 45 minutes, thanks tom tom , and finally got there. we ran from the waves and took pictures on the beach and screamed and laughed. there was no care in the world, it was just beautiful. then we went over to this overhang thing where people fish and watched the waves crash into the rocks right below us and sometimes even high enough we almost got wet! then we followed a cute boy wearing a grey aa hoodie but ended up with some 10 year olds. <3

saturday- i went to newport again, but this time i went with emily dylan marykate and ashley. we went to via via and got some great pizza. then we went to the belcourt mansion and took the ghost tour! we didn't see any ghosts, but i definiatly believe in them 100% now. then we went to a psychic fair and listened to some mediums and witches and psychics talk and tell us about themselves. then sleepily drove home/ horrible panick attack @ taco bell/ leading to me running home to my mom for support and crawling into bed to escape it all.

i think i'll ask kevin if he wants to do something today. maybe see a movie. i hope hes not busy!

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 02:38:08 GMT

i'm paranoid that i am going insane

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:25:06 GMT

just dealing. something tells me today is going to be good. i need to change my nose ring/ find my other one because i took the ball off this one and can't get it back on. hand me another drink.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:42:04 GMT

i just got out today. i wasn't sure i would, because i had just gotten off ten minute checks this morning. oh, how much can happen in one day. i got all of my things together and drove home/ showered/ hung out at vinnys with a few people. it was nice to see marykate and i had a nice time talking to vikko outside. i'm exhausted though, so i hope all is well with you all.

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 11:47:54 GMT

it's friday the 13th. already bad luck with my friends/ no rides to school. i wonder if i'm going to have any classes today. big d tonight i think, and hopefully meeting up with erica in providence! :).